Why the Internet should be banned.

People call this era 'The Internet Age'. (The other contenders for this would be 'Jet Age', 'Nano Age', 'Eco age' which are so 'fail' because if you put all these against 'TIA' in a boxing ring, it would pwn them 3v1 and shout 'w00t! LOL. n00bs!', and walk away). The Internet has infiltrated our lives everywhere, from pre-schools to B-schools, from gaming to dating. If the internet were a person, then the TIME magazine's Person of the Year jury would have submitted their resignations and would go on a 'theertha yatre' to Kashi to re-think about what they have been doing with their lives.

But, the Internet has its Dark Side (Oh there always is). Here I present my best, most logical, arguments to convince you, my intelligent readers (lulz), as to why the Internet is injurious to health, and must be banned.

1. Bad language.

Internet has started this new 'cult' (or should I say, 'kvlt') which has its own kind of words, and a language which has both alphabets and numbers included in the script. 'Internet memes' they are called. As wikipedia says, Internet meme is a phrase or catchphrase which spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet. These memes include some with very bad tastes ('Leave Britney Alone') to very bad grammar ('All your base are belong to us'). They quickly mix with the non-virtual language and destroy the English language (oh noes). Now we will have people who'll say ROFLMAO when you tell them a funny joke, or say 'you've been rickrolled!' when they play a prank on you and you find yourself watching Rick Astley dance on the monitor instead of a movie you were supposed to watch (who the *beep* is Rick Ashtley anyway?). We need to stop the advance of this l33t language culture, before they start labeling your cats with stickers saying 'I can haz cheeseburgerz?'

2. Social Networking.

When Orkut first came out, everybody seemed to be on it. We could meet long lost friends, 'scrap' them, form communities to hate Chelsea FC and flame in the posts, oh the bliss. After two years, it just seemed to lose the fizz. When everyone thought the era social networking is over, bham! came Facebook and Twitter. Now you can tell everyone what you are doing, your friends can 'like' it (oo shiny), and most importantly, you can play the quizzes there and find out exactly which character of Teletubbies you most resemble. These sites have been a source of addiction in the youth of the country today. A latest research showed that youngsters are spending 53.5% more time on Facebook playing Mafia Wars and Farmville, which has taken toll on their social lives, and has also been a reported cause of The Bangalore Pub Owners' Association to go on a strike urging the government to ban the networking sites.

3. TMI (Too Much Information)

Internet is a storehouse of information, in its very concentrated form (Rho is in the range of duodecillians if I am right), and everyday, it gets denser and denser. This humongous pile of information, don't tell me I didn't warn you, could kill you. Ever heard of that guy? He mugged Wikipedia so much that his head is expanded and expanded till it exploded to reveal pieces of brain, 2 bullets and a DVD of Windows Vista inside (also was reported that after the explosion his head was shaped like the Uncyclopedia logo). True story. Not so serious info-mugging can just lead to a bloated head like Amitabh Bachchan in 'Paa', the Powerpuff Girls and Paris Hilton.

I hope I have convinced that Internet is the most dangerous this around in the world today (except of course, Swine flu (Oops, H1N1) and Chuck Norris). So, let me end the argument by telling what Archimedes said 2200 years ago. QED.

(Written for the fest magazine of TransIT '09, a day before my internals at 12 pm in the night. Yep.)

Me and You

He opened his eyes.

The sunshine was making a beautiful golden hue all around. Air smelled of fresh rain on mud. The sunlight was dancing on the surface of the lake like a procession of lights. Trees surrounded the lake. It was an oasis in the desert of trees. His escape from the world.

He was sitting behind a tree. Hiding. He was crouched like an embryo, his hands pulling his knees to his chest. He had dark, hawk like eyes, which seemed to absorb everything it saw. They were constantly moving, as though looking at a tense football game.

He thought to himself : 'I need to go and buy soap'.

He stood up. He was wearing a plain green shirt and black jeans. He put on his slippers and made his way through the sea of trees to the road where his car was parked. He revved the engine and zoomed on the smooth road, his window open, enjoying the cool air.

At a distance he could see a lone figure, standing by the road. He saw that the man was asking for a lift. He stopped the car and opened the door and said, 'Hop in'.

I hopped in.

'Thanks', I said, with genuine gratitude.

'No problemo. Where are you upto?'

'The bus stand. I hope you are going till there?'

He smiled. 'Don't worry. I am going into the town'

He looked at me, as though trying to judge me by my appearance. He made no comment, turned his head forward, back to his driving. We were in silence for several minutes.

I took out a coke can from my jacket pocket and broke the newly formed ice.

'Want coke?'

'No, I don't drink coke'

'Why not?'

'Soft drinks are unhealthy'

'Yeah but, coke tastes good. Mountain Dew tastes good'

'7up may taste like strawberry milkshake but I'm no drinking that piece of crap'

'Are you that health conscious? Do you like, never eat oily food?'

'No, not that health conscious, but I saw what happens when you put mentos into coke. Nothing which does that goes into my goddamn mouth', he declared with finality.

'If you start thinking like that, you need to stay away from a lot of things', I said quietly.

'Why so?', he asked, surprised.

'Many things you see you see as harmless, aren't really so. Take little kids for instance. One kid is good. Fun. Make it ten kids, ten minutes in that room, you'll start searching for a razor'

'Yeah, well, I don't want ten kids anyway'

'You didn't get my point. What I wanted to tell you was that you can make bad from good'

'Example'

'Did you know if you mix gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?'

'Really?'

'Yeah. This reminds me of a story by Tolstoy. A kind hearted farmer is turned into a wife-beating, ever-fighting scum by an imp who just teaches him how to distil spirit wheat grains from his fields'

He thought for a while.

'The beast within eh?', he said.

'Precisely', I smiled.

'You know what I say? Living with a beast within is better than with one outside'

I laughed.

'Hey, drop me right here', I said, pointing at the approching sign of the bus stand.

'Sure thing', he took the car to the left and skidded to a halt.

'Thanks for the ride', I said, smiling radiantly at him.

'You didn't tell me who you are', he pointed out.

'What?'

'What do you do for a living?'

'Soap. I make, and sell, soap. Here's my card', I winked.

He stared at the card for a long time. His head was humming. He suddenly realized and turned mouth open, to speak something.

I wasn't there.

Chop Suey

I woke up.

I couldn't open my eyes. But it was dark. I could feel it.

I shuffled slightly where I sat. My arms wouldn't move. It was as though the heavy darkness was weighing it down. Not that I wanted to move them anyway.

There isn't a thing you can do in this 5x5 room I have been locked up in.

I tried opening my eyes, gave up the futile attempt. Its the same outside.

Suddenly, I was standing. I swayed my arms around, searching. Nothing. It looked like I was standing on solid ground. I carefully put my leg forward, and suddenly pulled it back. There was nothing.

I was on the precipice.

Brilliant light pierced my eyes. It was as though someone had switched on the floodlights of a stadium at the middle of the night.

I was indeed on the edge of a cliff. It wasn't a free fall though. The cliff curved into something between the shape of a 'C' and a 'U', the shape of a crescent moon. The surface was smooth as marble. There was heavy mist in the air, I could barely make out the end of the curve. Everything else looked smudged. Just when I was wondering what should I be doing here I realized, I had something under my right foot.

Oh look, a skateboard.

I put my left leg on the skateboard, gave myself a push using my right foot, and let myself go. The frosty wind rushed to my face. I could barely open my eyes. I still tried to open them. Bad idea. Tears started streaming out due to the sheer force of the wind. They trickled down my cheek making a cold path.

I let myself go.

I was stretching my arms like Jesus Christ. I reached the edge, and due to the momentum, I was projected into the chilly air. I thought my heart would give away, judging by the frequency and the loudness of the beats. I closed my eyes and just sunk into the joy of flying. So free, so liberating.

'To fly like a bird in the open skies..', someone had said.
I landed. I was all dark again. I was on top of the cliff again. I must have traced a circular trajectory.

Oh look, a skateboard under my right foot.

I was in the dark room again.

I sniffed. The room smelled of rust, my own sweat, my own guilt.

Slowly, I found something wrong with the air. I was breathing deeply, but I still seemed to want more.

Oh damn.

I pushed my eyes open. The fear seemed to give me strength. I looked around. There was no opening in this godforsaken place. I was suffocating. My hands still wouldn't move. Sigh.

I woke up.

Clear sunshine was streaming into my face, making a beautiful golden hue all around. The air was warm, smelled of fresh rain falling on the earth. Looks like I was out of my 5x5 box after all.

I can, I thought. If I try.

Did I really wake up?

I don't know.

"I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe my actions still have meaning. I have to believe when my eyes are closed, the world is still here."

The Unusual Suspects

I have heard of stories of people getting sudden enlightenment and jolts of never-before-known knowledge under a tree. Be it Siddhartha under the Mahabodhi tree, becoming The Buddha, or Isaac Newton getting plonked on the head by a rogue apple and becoming the Newton-guy-who-discovered-gravity (Disclaimers: Frankly dudes, I don't give a damn. Its a good story, and it makes sense. I still see Newton as a man thinking with his chin on his hand, while an apple is falling from the tree onto his rockstar-hairdo. Even wikipedia says this happened, so stfu).

I tried this actually. I sat and meditated under the banyan tree, under the peepal tree, under the gulmohar tree, and even under the mango tree (I might have had more than one intention there, but thats not the point), and as you can see, I ain't got no understanding about the absolute truth of life. Yet.

I have learnt some stuff till now. Foremost of them is that my chances of getting uber-knowledge under a tree is as high as Quentin Tarantino making a romantic comedy. Its true however, that I have found small pieces of knowledge in the most unexpected places.

1. After watching a kick-ass dishum dishum movie, me and my friend were walking down Brigade Road (yeah, you know why) discussing the movie loudly, when suddenly out of the blue he says :

"You know what the sad thing about life is? The best moments don't last. You know, I wish it was like this movie. I wish I could go home and watch it over and over again somehow, just skipping the boring and the sad parts".

This coming from someone who thought James Hadley Chase is the best author in the world.

2. Teachers can be funny.
Once our lecturer said, 'I'll tell you a guys a joke today'

We eagerly anticipated the joke, to fake the laughter later.

'Which is more smart, a triangle or a square?'

'Triangle sir, it looks "sharp"'

'No pa. Ok, don't know aa? See the joke has a bit of tamil joke ok? Square I say, because it has naal-edgu. *Stupid smile* Did you fallow me? Yes now tell me, which is more smart now, square or an octagon?"

'Er, sqaure because it has naal-edgu, octogon has ent-edgu'?

'No pa, octogon. Octogon has EXTRA naal-edgu'

*Chorus of fake hahahah*

Yeah, they can be pretty stupid too.

This teacher, once told me, "Life is like a lathe machine. Your soul is the workpiece. Life holds you and spins you. You are the operator. You are always in control. Its your duty shape your soul, the way you want it to be"

Sorry for the mech fundae, but still pretty impressive I must say.

3. I am one of the people for whom nature calls pretty often.

I have missed several buses, several classes, and more recently, climax of movies because of The Call. Once while answering The Call in a public restroom, there it was written:

"The most difficult moments make you appreciate how beautiful your life is. Without the lower moments, you wouldn't be able to appreciate the height of your happier ones".

I found this hilarious, meaningful at the same time.

Maybe The Call makes people philosophical.

4. South Park rules!

I just used to watch it just for the humour. But the this speech by Kyle, changed my perception of South Park. This is Imaginationland part III episode, where the govt. decides to nuke 'Imaginationland' where all imaginary things created by humans live.

"I think they are real. They are all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your life than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger imapct on the world than any of us have.. and the same could be said for Bugs Bunny, Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life.. changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they are more important than most of us here.. and they're all going to be around long after we are dead. So, in a way, those things are more real-er than any of us"

Applause.

A wise-guy named Sarvajna once said,

"Taking small bits of knowledge from everyone, Sarvajna has become a mountain of knowledge"

That, for me, is the only way to get enlightened. Don't waste your time under trees.