Sunday, November 8, 2009

Why the Internet should be banned.

People call this era 'The Internet Age'. (The other contenders for this would be 'Jet Age', 'Nano Age', 'Eco age' which are so 'fail' because if you put all these against 'TIA' in a boxing ring, it would pwn them 3v1 and shout 'w00t! LOL. n00bs!', and walk away). The Internet has infiltrated our lives everywhere, from pre-schools to B-schools, from gaming to dating. If the internet were a person, then the TIME magazine's Person of the Year jury would have submitted their resignations and would go on a 'theertha yatre' to Kashi to re-think about what they have been doing with their lives.
But, the Internet has its Dark Side (Oh there always is). Here I present my best, most logical, arguments to convince you, my intelligent readers (lulz), as to why the Internet is injurious to health, and must be banned.

1. Bad language.
Internet has started this new 'cult' (or should I say, 'kvlt') which has its own kind of words, and a language which has both alphabets and numbers included in the script. 'Internet memes' they are called. As wikipedia says, Internet meme is a phrase or catchphrase which spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet. These memes include some with very bad tastes ('Leave Britney Alone') to very bad grammar ('All your base are belong to us'). They quickly mix with the non-virtual language and destroy the English language (oh noes). Now we will have people who'll say ROFLMAO when you tell them a funny joke, or say 'you've been rickrolled!' when they play a prank on you and you find yourself watching Rick Astley dance on the monitor instead of a movie you were supposed to watch (who the *beep* is Rick Ashtley anyway?). We need to stop the advance of this l33t language culture, before they start labeling your cats with stickers saying 'I can haz cheeseburgerz?'

2. Social Networking.
When Orkut first came out, everybody seemed to be on it. We could meet long lost friends, 'scrap' them, form communities to hate Chelsea FC and flame in the posts, oh the bliss. After two years, it just seemed to lose the fizz. When everyone thought the era social networking is over, bham! came Facebook and Twitter. Now you can tell everyone what you are doing, your friends can 'like' it (oo shiny), and most importantly, you can play the quizzes there and find out exactly which character of Teletubbies you most resemble. These sites have been a source of addiction in the youth of the country today. A latest research showed that youngsters are spending 53.5% more time on Facebook playing Mafia Wars and Farmville, which has taken toll on their social lives, and has also been a reported cause of The Bangalore Pub Owners' Association to go on a strike urging the government to ban the networking sites.

3. TMI (Too Much Information)
Internet is a storehouse of information, in its very concentrated form (Rho is in the range of duodecillians if I am right), and everyday, it gets denser and denser. This humongous pile of information, don't tell me I didn't warn you, could kill you. Ever heard of that guy? He mugged Wikipedia so much that his head is expanded and expanded till it exploded to reveal pieces of brain, 2 bullets and a DVD of Windows Vista inside (also was reported that after the explosion his head was shaped like the Uncyclopedia logo). True story. Not so serious info-mugging can just lead to a bloated head like Amitabh Bachchan in 'Paa', the Powerpuff Girls and Paris Hilton.

I hope I have convinced that Internet is the most dangerous this around in the world today (except of course, Swine flu (Oops, H1N1) and Chuck Norris). So, let me end the argument by telling what Archimedes said 2200 years ago. QED.

(Written for the fest magazine of TransIT '09, a day before my internals at 12 pm in the night. Yep.)


Vinay Hegde said...

Nice style of arguing too. :)

But banning of the net? When rumours of The Grid taking over are looming in the horizon? Nice try.

Going through blogs during my endsems. Yep. NED.

Merin Mandanna said...

I agree!
I whack! (for the teletubbies thing) :D
I *clap clap clap* for most other things you've said. (Paris Hilton? Roflmaolollmao) :P

Awesomeness! :)

Anonymous said...

Hmm..came across ur blog, totally agree with the concept of internet - first alienating people in the real world, second, sending the english language into a tizzy.
three: Quick point: isnt Rick astley the guy who shot to fame with songs like 'never gonna give you up' in the pop era?